


Soul Searching

by amybri2002



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Amnesia, Bullying, Drowning, Hurt/Comfort, Knives, M/M, Trigger warnings:, bad family relations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amybri2002/pseuds/amybri2002
Summary: After running away from home, Declan spends a few days reconnecting with old friends and trying to figure out how his life when so wrong.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit Sanders & Everyone
Comments: 34
Kudos: 55
Collections: TSS Fanworks Collective





	1. Declan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shnuffeluv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shnuffeluv/gifts).



> hey! thank you for clicking on this fic!  
> this was written for the reverse bang hosted by @sanderssidesfanfiction over on tumblr, who also made the artwork that this piece is inspired by.  
> also, thank you to delilah from the big bang discord server for beta-ing this, you are awesome <3  
> please pay attention to the trigger warnings bc this is just about the most angsty thing I've written (though still mostly hurt/comfort). i think i tagged everything but let me know if i missed anything ^^  
> anyway, i've been waiting for months to post this, so hope you enjoy it ^^

Rain drips down his back, soaking into his clothes and deep into his skin. Tears drip down his face, melting away his makeup to reveal all his scars he always tries so hard to hide. He sits down on the curb and buries his face in his gloved hands, letting the storm consume him. 

It's too late to turn back home now, if he could even call it that. Going back there would only complicate things further. He is alone now, alone in his problem and his thoughts. He just wishes he didn't have to be alone in the rain. 

Well, he supposes he doesn't have to be alone. He could call somebody, if only he could find enough change for the phone box. Or... maybe he has a friend in the area. Maybe he can find someplace to stay, if only he can figure out where he is. 

Everything has been blurry since he left. His thoughts were all jumbled, and loud, too loud, and his vision was blurry from his tears. He had just walked and walked until his legs began to tire and he began to come back to his senses. He isn't sure how long it has been, or how far away he is from home. He isn't even sure what exactly had happened. 

He tries to remember. 

~*~

_It was a Friday night. Raining, stormy, cold. He had snuggled under the blankets, to stay warm. He didn't think that she would mind. He hoped that she wouldn't mind._

_What time was it? Five, maybe? It was the winter. It had been dark since four, so... five sounds about right. He'd only been sitting there since half four, reading a book. She wasn't home yet._

_But then she was and that was when everything went wrong._

~*~

He doesn't want to remember. He doesn't want to bring that all back. He doesn't want to go back. 

He stands up, wet hair sticking to his forehead. If he stays like this, he'll end up dead on the street. It isn't too late, is it? Surely a shop must be open somewhere... 

Yes, on the corner. There is a small shop his father used to take him to visit as a child. It's expensive there, but that doesn't mean anything to him. It won't be difficult to get just a simple hat and an umbrella. Perhaps a coat as well, if he can. Usually he can go that far, but... well, if he can't, he can try something else. 

The shop. He knows where he is now. That is good. That means he has a chance to carry on. But first, he has to take his chance to survive. 

He steps into the shop, the bell ringing to signal his arrival. It is Remy behind the till - good, that one was easy - and he has already fallen asleep, not noticing him entering - even better. Trying his best not to make a sound, he sneaks around the back of the aisles, taking a black hat off a stand and putting it on. Remy's still sleeping. He takes a black cape and puts that on as well, and Remy's still sleeping. 

Just as he is about to grab an umbrella from near the entrance and leave the shop, Remy wakes up. 

"...Declan?" he says. 

Declan closes his eyes, sighs, then plasters on a smile and turns around. "Good evening, Remy." 

"You're not stealing that hat, are you?" Remy asks. "I know we sell that exact hat here."

Declan rolls his eyes. "Of course not," he lies. "I brought this last week, remember?" 

Remy frowns. "Did you?" 

"Yes, were you not there...?" He hums. "Oh, of course," he continues, chucking a little. "Silly me. It was Toby who sold it to me, last Wednesday, I believe." He isn’t sure if Toby was even working then, but it would make sense, as he knows that Toby usually works on a Wednesday. 

Remy blinks. "Okay. That checks out. What about the coat?" 

Declan smirks. "Remy, darling, I wear this coat almost every day." It's true - he does own a coat exactly like this one, but he had left it at home. "Surely you would know that by now." 

"And the umbrella?" 

"It's raining outside," he states. "Why would I not bring an umbrella with me?" 

"Oh, that... makes sense." Remy yawns. "Well, I'm going back to sleep. Have a good night." 

Declan smiles. "Thank you." But before he can exit the store with his stolen goods, Remy speaks again. 

"Wait, why did you come in here then?" 

He tries his best to hide his annoyance at all these questions. "I just came in to buy some new shoes, but I realised as I was looking at them that I left my wallet at home," he lies. "Perhaps I'll come back another day." 

"Oh." Remy shrugs, satisfied. "Alright. Well, goodbye." A moment later, he has fallen asleep. 

~*~ 

_There had been shouting. Screaming, just before he left. He couldn't take it. That's why he left, right?_

_He wrapped his blanket tighter around him, thinking that would tune things out, but it only made the shouting worse. It drowned him, he was drowning, and maybe he always was, maybe he never stopped._

_He left because of the shouting. What was the shouting about, again?_

~*~ 

Thunder booms in the distance, drowning out his thoughts. It's still raining and he needs to find shelter soon. The umbrella is keeping him a little dryer, at least, and the coat is keeping him slightly warmer, but the storm only grows and the winds don't rest and his tears still fall. 

Maybe some people pass, maybe some people glance at him for a second, maybe some people feel an ounce of sadness or worry looking at him, or maybe they don't. He doesn't know. He keeps his head down, fixated on the floor. The street lamps above cast light onto the wet ground, so he watches the yellow spill out over the pavement, trying to forget about all that's going on in his head. 

He likes the rain, he always tells himself. He likes how it patters against windows, how it can bring a little beauty to an otherwise bleak day. 

~*~ 

_He sat in the back of the car, the radio tuned in to some country station that his father always listened to. He must have been about seven or eight when he was driving back home, watching the raindrops fall on the window and slide down._

_"Terrible weather," his father muttered._

_Declan frowned, not understanding. It wasn't sunny, but it was still nice, right? Rain was great. When it rained, he got to imagine the raindrops having a race down the window, cheering for one over the other and feeling so happy when one succeeded. When it rained, he got to run outside and splash in puddles and then when he came back inside he'd get to sit by the fire wrapped in a blanket drinking hot chocolate with his mother. And sometimes after the rain was over, there'd be a rainbow in the sky._

_But Declan and his father disagreed on a lot of things, so this wasn't really surprising. He couldn't argue with his father, anyway, because then he'd get mad and Declan hated it when his father was mad._

_The guitar on the radio was nice, Declan thought, allowing himself to be pulled into a fantasy. This was one of the moments Declan liked to revisit. Car journeys, music, rain._

~*~ 

He sits under a shelter in the park and wipes his face as dry as he can. It doesn't work very well, considering he can't stop crying, but he tries. He needs to get ahold of himself to carry on. 

He should call someone, let them know he's...

He's not in trouble, is he? He left of his own accord, he knew what he was doing, he must have. It wasn't his fault that he had since forgotten his plan. It definitely wasn't his fault that his body just shut down whenever he suggested going back home. But he knows he should call somebody, at the very least so that he doesn't have to sleep in the park all night. 

What time was it, anyway? He didn't have his watch on, or a phone with him, and the streets were basically empty. Would any of his friends even be awake?

He has a few friends who live in this area that he could visit, and maybe they would help, or maybe they wouldn't. It's difficult to say who really is his friend. And he's not entirely sure his friends even exist. 

Maybe he should go back to the shop, to Remy, who would maybe help him. Remy has always been a good... acquaintance, not friend, not really. Family friend, perhaps. His father knew Remy's father, who worked in the shop before he did. 

But if he goes back to Remy he could be in trouble. Remy may have figured out that he had stolen by now. He had done it countless times before. 

~*~ 

_"Did you get it?" his father demanded._

_Declan nodded, meekly. He must have been about... seven, maybe eight. Old enough to know what he was doing was wrong, but not old enough to know that he didn't have to do what his father requested._

_"Let me see."_

_He could feel the store assistants' eyes on the back of his head, watching him. He knew that if he showed his father the watch then he would be in big trouble, but he would be in even bigger trouble if he didn't._

_His father seemed to understand his silence, though. "No, you're right, wait till we get home."_

_They walked home, and for a while Declan's stomach hung heavy with guilt, and every time he saw the golden clock strapped around his father's waist he felt a twang of anxiety that it would all come back to haunt him._

_But soon the feeling faded away. Nobody ever suspected him, innocent Declan, perfect child. Soon enough, he wouldn't feel guilty about anything at all._

~*~ 

Now he stands in a phone box, leaning against the side whilst he waits for his friend to pick up. He breathes in and out, waiting in anticipation but also half hoping his friend doesn't pick up. It's nice standing in here for a few moments, sheltered from the rain. Maybe even after his friend picks up - if he ever does - Declan will sit on the floor of the phone box for a little longer before making his way out. 

His friend picks up. 

A part of him had hoped that his friend wouldn't pick up, because he hadn't spoken to his friend for... a while. This entire thing will be so difficult to explain. Especially when he doesn't even know the story himself. 

"Hey," the friend says. 

Declan breathes. "Uh, 'evening. It's Declan." 

The friend gasps. "Declan? Really? It's been a while." 

"Yes, it has. I, uh... I need to ask a favour." 

"Are you in trouble?" the friend asks. "Do I need to murder anybody?" 

"No, no, I'm not in trouble," he lies. "Just... Can I come round your place?" 

"Yeah, sure." 

Declan sighed with relief. "See you in... ten, maybe?" 

"See you." 


	2. Remus

Declan knocks on the door and stands back. A moment later, the door swings open, and there Remus stands. He hasn't changed at all since they last saw each other, asides from that ridiculous moustache that has grown a little longer. For a second, Declan just stands there awkwardly, his hair still dripping. 

"You look like a mess," Remus says. 

Declan just stares at him. 

Remus softens up a bit. "Are you okay?" 

He just continues staring. 

~*~ 

_ "Declan, talk to me."  _

_ He didn't say a word. He tried to shove everything down, deeper and deeper into his subconscious, so he didn't have to think about a thing. He didn't want anybody to worry. He was fine.  _

_ "Declan, look at me."  _

_ He didn't look. If he looked he knew he would cry, and that was the last thing he wanted, because then he'd have to talk about it and he didn't want to.  _

_ His mother hugged him, tight. "It's okay, Declan. You're allowed to feel things. Please just talk."  _

_ But he couldn't.  _

~*~ 

He sits in Remus' apartment, staring blankly at the wall. The apartment isn't clean, but he wasn't expecting it to be. It's... somewhat presentable, at least. He thinks that Remus must have tidied up before he arrived. Or maybe Remus has changed his ways. 

"Are you going to tell me why you're here?" Remus wondered, placing a cup of tea in front of Declan. He doesn't drink it, afraid that it's probably poisoned - who knows what Remus puts in his drinks. 

"Everything is fine," Declan says, quietly. "I just... wanted to see you." 

"Dec, I know when you're lying," Remus says, sitting next to him. "Do you need me to murder anyone? 'Cause I will. I will gladly do that." 

Declan makes a noise that could loosely be described as a laugh. "Yes. Go ahead. I give you full permission to murder anybody." 

Remus grins. "Okay, but seriously, what is wrong?" 

Declan stares at the floor. "Do I have to say?" 

"Well, no, but it would help me to know what is wrong." 

He sighs. "Can we talk somewhere else?" 

Remus hums. "I know where we can go." 

~*~ 

_ Declan had known Remus most of his life. They lived next door as children and quickly became friends, always running around the village and surrounding fields and forests together. Declan's father wasn't so keen on Remus, but that didn't stop the two from being attached at the hip.  _

_ Remus was annoying, sometimes. Declan sometimes thought that the only reason why he hung out with Remus so much was because he was annoying, because he wouldn't take no for an answer, because he was always trying to get Declan to play or talk or just listen. And Declan would do that, because he wasn't about to argue.  _

_ Or maybe he did just enjoy it. He never really understood Remus, but Remus seemed to understand him. Remus didn't mind if Declan just stood and watched, as long as he was there to hear him out.  _

_ Remus had always been Declan's friend. Perhaps Remus was the only friend Declan had ever had. _

~*~

It's still dark out, but the rain has stopped. The cloud part to reveal the full moon high in the sky. Declan thinks it must be around midnight, but he isn't sure. Remus doesn't seem to care. 

They walk along a cobbled street to the outskirts of the village. At some point Declan must have gotten changed, because his clothes seem too tight and are no longer wet - maybe Remus leant him some before they left. He doesn't quite remember. 

Remus is quiet and Declan finds this weird, for some reason. He's not sure why. 

~*~

_ Declan stared up at the clouds as Remus rambled on, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. He didn't expect Declan to pay attention, only for Declan to let him rant.  _

_ Sometimes Declan listened to Remus' stories. Sometimes they were made up, sometimes they were true, sometimes Declan wasn't sure which side they fell on. He talked about... somebody, a lot. Someone who was very important to him, but who he wasn't very important too. Or maybe it was the other way around.  _

_ On this day, Remus was talking about him again and Declan wasn't listening. He was watching the clouds move across the sky and he felt at peace.  _

~*~

They're in a forest now. When did they walk into a forest? Declan looks around at the trees, taking in a breath of fresh air. He can breathe now. That's good. 

"Remember this place?" Remus asks, leading him deeper into the forest. 

Declan nods. "Yeah. We used to come here all the time." 

Remus grins. "I thought maybe this could cheer you up a little." 

~*~

_ Declan laughed as he watched Remus trying and failing to balance on a branch.  _

_ "Remus, come down, you're gonna get hurt!" he shouted, failing to sound any level of serious.  _

_ "Nope, I gotta prove to you I can do this!" Remus shouted back, aiming his knife and sticking out his tongue. The two had made some makeshift targets on the other side of the pond. Usually they would throw from the shore of the pond, but this time Remus wanted to impress Declan by throwing from up in a tree. "Three, two, one..."  _

_ Declan rolled his eyes, but Remus still threw the knife and landed bullseye.  _

_ "Yes! Told you I could-"  _

_ There was a loud cracking noise, and then a scream, and then a splash.  _

~*~ 

"Here they are!" Remus exclaims, bending down to pull something out of a hole near a tree's roots. When he gets up and turns around, he reveals two knives, one decorated in green and the other in yellow. Declan involuntarily smiles. 

"They've stayed here after all these years?" he says, surprised. 

"I made sure of it," Remus says. "Still come here every few weeks to practise. Haven't touched yours in a while, though." He holds it out towards Declan, who quickly but carefully takes the knife. 

"God, I haven't held one of these in ages." 

Remus smiles, fondly. "Come. You can take out your anger on our targets." 

At first, Declan is too busy running his finger over the blade, staring down at his reflection in wonder, to realise what Remus has suggested, but once he processes it he looks up with surprise. "What anger?" 

"You can't fool me, Dec," Remus says, stepping up to the shore of the pond. "Why else would you have run away?" 

He frowns. "Run away?" 

"Well, there must be a reason you're not at home, right?" 

He considers telling Remus that he's not quite sure why he isn't at home, and he doesn't know how to explain that he doesn't want to go back, so he just joins Remus at the shore and holds up his knife. "On three?" 

Remus sighs. "Okay. One, two-" 

The knives fly through the air and Remus hits bullseyes, as always, but Declan's falls just short and- 

~*~

_ Splash.  _

_ His body froze up, panic suddenly flooding to his mind. He rushed over to the side of the pond and got in, ignoring the sudden cold and forcing himself to go further in. Remus was there, under the water, his clothes dragging him down.  _

_ Declan reached out a hand but it was too late. His one true friend had sunk. He was alone.  _

~*~

No. It didn't go like that, did it? Remus is sitting next to Declan right now. They're on a rock in their forest, and Declan has a splitting headache so his head is in his hands, and maybe he's crying a little but he's probably not, but Remus is rubbing his back in comfort so maybe he is. 

"It's okay, Declan," Remus whispers. "You're just out of practise. We can get the knife back, y'know." 

Declan doesn't think the reason he's like this is because he missed the shot. He thinks there is something else going on but he doesn't know what. Remus doesn't seem to know, either. 

He's sure the memory didn't go like that. 

~*~ 

_ Declan pulled Remus out of the water. He was safe, Declan was sure. He was hurt real bad, but he would survive, right?  _

_ Somebody came to get Remus and Declan didn't see Remus much after that day.  _

~*~ 

"Declan," Remus says, firmly. "You're okay, alright?" 

Declan wipes his tears and nods. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... had a bad thought." 

"Which is okay," Remus reassures him. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

He shakes his head. "No. Let's just... carry on." 

He stands up and makes his way into the pond, not really caring that water immediately soaked into his socks, and goes to retrieve the knife. He stares at it again for a moment, looking at his reflection in the steel - God, Remus was right, he does look like a mess. Sighing, he returns to Remus. 

Remus smiles. "Okay, ready to try again?" 

"Yeah, of course." 

He lines up next to Remus, and aims the knife, throwing it a couple seconds after Remus. Once again, Remus hits bullseye, and Declan is tempted to accuse Remus of cheating. But before he can say anything, Declan's knife hits the wood. Not quite a bullseye, but pretty close. He smiles. 

Remus is smirking at him. "I knew this would cheer you up." 

Declan immediately loses the smile. 

Remus pouts. "Maybe we should do something else." 

~*~ 

_ Sometimes Declan would return to the pond, but Remus wouldn't be there. The branch that had snapped due to Remus' weight still laid in the pond. Moss grew over it over the years, but it never moved, and served as a constant reminder of that day.  _

_ Who was it that had come to rescue Remus? It was somebody important to Remus, Declan thought. Somebody Remus talked about a lot. _

_ Declan never thought about it too much, though. He would sit by the side of the pond, staring at Remus' knife still lodged into the target. On especially windy days when the air was filled with noise, Declan could almost pretend Remus was sitting next to him, talking about nothing and serving as background noise. Those days were the nicest.  _

_ Declan never tried to throw his knife again, for fear that it might knock off Remus' and his legacy would be lost forever. But one day the knife had disappeared, and after that Declan stopped coming.  _

~*~

"Here," Remus says, sitting down on the grass. He had led Declan around the pond to the small cliff at the back, where a small waterfall fed into the pond. He sits down next to him, breathing in the fresh air. 

They sit in silence for a while, and Declan isn't sure how long they spend. It's beginning to get light - the sun is rising over the horizon - so they must have stayed all night. 

Eventually, Declan looks at Remus and says, "I missed you." 

Remus snorted. "Why?" 

Declan frowns. "Why wouldn't I miss you?" 

"Well, I've never really been great company, and I was always getting you into trouble and stuff." 

He's not wrong. 

~*~

_ Declan laid face down on his bed, trying not to cry. His attempts weren't really working. He wouldn't be allowed to see Remus after that, not ever. His mother had shouted at him - his mother, that never happened. It had never been this serious. Of course they had got into trouble before, but it had never, ever been this serious.  _

_ In that moment, Declan wanted nothing more than to sink into his pillows and disappear. If he couldn't see Remus anymore, then what was the point? No more adventures, no more days just listening, no more friends.  _

_ There was a quiet knock on his door.  _

_ "Go away," he mumbled.  _

_ Whoever it was didn't listen. A moment later, somebody sat on his bed, rubbing the back of his head.  _

_ "I'm sorry for shouting, Declan," his mother said.  _

_ Declan groaned.  _

_ "I'm just concerned for your safety, that's all," she continued. "Remus... Well, I'm sure he's a lovely kid, but he's a bad influence on you. You could have gotten hurt."  _

_ "I'd rather have gotten hurt than not be allowed to see him at all," Declan said, refusing to look up.  _

_ "If you had gotten hurt, there would be no chance of you seeing him again."  _

_ He was silent.  _

_ "I'm really sorry for shouting, Declan," his mother repeated.  _

_ He still didn't reply.  _

_ "Please, talk."  _

_ Nothing.  _

~*~

"I would have carried on hanging out with you," Declan admits. "I wasn't allowed. Apparently you were a bad influence." 

Remus lets out a short, sharp laugh. "Me? A bad influence? No way." 

Declan rolls his eyes. "I mean, you did literally fall into a pond. I don't think climbing that tree was a brilliant idea." He's surprised by how easily he's talking about this now, but he supposes Remus must have helped to get his thoughts straight. He truly is in a better mood. 

"Hey, that was an excellent idea!" Remus protests. "It's not like I got really hurt. Roman was there pretty quickly to help me out-" 

Declan frowns. "Roman?" 

"Yeah, Roman. My brother. Remember?" 

~*~

_ His name was Roman. Remus' twin, although he liked to call himself Remus' older brother. According to Roman, he was five minutes older. According to Remus, Roman was five minutes younger. Nobody ever knew who was telling the truth, and their parents refused to comment.  _

_ That was who was so important to Remus, who Remus always talked about.  _

_ That day by the pond, Declan was staring down at Remus' almost lifeless body, tears pouring down his face. He was hugging him, wishing for Remus to come back to him. Then somebody came. That somebody was Roman, right?  _

_ Roman pried Remus out of Declan's arms, and carried him away. Declan protested, not wanting to lose Remus, but eventually he realised it was for the best. Roman could take Remus to get help, and he'd be okay.  _

_ After that, Declan sat by the pond a while longer, thinking. He didn't want to go back home. He wanted Remus back.  _

~*~

"I remember," Declan says. "I liked your brother. He was nice. He always cared so much for you, y'know." 

Remus laughs at that. "Ha! That's what he wanted you to think. He hated me, really." 

"No, he didn't," Declan states, firmly. "He loved you. You loved him as well, right? You were always talking about him." 

"More like complaining." 

Declan hums. "Well, siblings fight, I suppose." 

"You never had any, did you?" Remus says, not sounding too confident. 

"I had an older brother, but... we never talked much. You were probably the closest thing I had." 

Remus gasps. "Really?" 

"Yeah, of course. You were my best friend."

Remus smiles. 

~*~

_ It was a Friday morning, after the incident at the pond. Declan was visiting Remus' house, to check that he was okay. He hadn't seen Remus since he fell on Tuesday, and hadn't heard from him, either.  _

_ Roman had opened the door and let him inside. Remus was in his room, alive and well but shaken still. They had sat together on his bed for a while, Remus once again talking about nothing and everything at the same time, and Declan had listened, content.  _

_ When he got home that night, the shouting started, and he didn't see Remus for several years after that, not until he moved out and got his own place.  _

_ Eventually they stopped seeing each other all together.  _

~*~

"Are you ready to talk?" Remus asks. 

The warm feeling he had before fades. He shakes his head. 

"That's alright," Remus says. "Maybe I'm not the best person to talk to." 

He nods, finally understanding his own reluctance. 

"Is there anyone who could help?" 

Declan isn't sure, but maybe he can find out. 

"Do you know what your brother is up to nowadays?" he asks. 

"He lives a couple towns over. You could catch a bus in an hour or so and be there by this afternoon. Why?" 

"I... want to talk to him. In person." 

Remus nods. "Yeah, he’s quite good with feelings. You should probably come to mine first, though. Get your clothes back on, they should be dry right now. Green is not your colour." 

Declan lets out a small laugh, before following Remus back home.


	3. Virgil

Declan stands at the bus stop outside Remus' apartment, the morning sun making the cold breeze just bearable. He's sitting in direct sunlight - or, at the very least, the closest he can get to direct sunlight, what with the tall buildings lining the streets. Remus has lent him a few notes to use on the journey, after Declan explains that he left his wallet at home, and has reassured him that he is only a phone call away. 

Not that Declan is planning to call Remus again. Whilst he had certainly enjoyed their reunion, it had also brought up some... pretty painful memories. Memories that were certainly useful, and will help him in his mission of finding out... something, whatever piece of him is missing, how his life went so wrong. But also memories that he doesn't want to think about, not anymore, and he feels seeing Remu s again will just remind him of how he looked that day, his lifeless body laying in the leaves. 

Remus had made it out okay, though. Declan clings on to that fact. He knows now that Remus will be okay and he can move on. 

~*~ 

_ His friends often weren't okay.  _

_ He stopped speaking to Remus and, for a while, he didn't have any friends. Eventually he moved away with his family and started a new secondary school, where he made... well, not friends, exactly, but something along those lines. More like alliances. If he was friends with certain people, other, more dangerous people would leave him alone. And maybe those friends weren't great, maybe they hurt him just as much as the people they protected him from would, but at least he had a sort of support system.  _

_ There was one person, though, who was good to him. What was their name, again?  _

_ At first, Declan hadn't been so nice to them. His other 'friends' had decided that this person wasn't good enough. They decided that this person would be their prey. And Declan had gone along with it, because he wasn't about to rebel against them and endanger himself.  _

_ But they had got to know each other, and Declan had reassured them that he wouldn't hurt them, and they had become friends.  _

~*~ 

What was their name? Declan tries his hardest to remember, but nothing comes to mind. He supposes he hasn't talked to them in a while, either. Why had he stopped talking to them? 

The bus arrives and Declan steps on, handing his fare to the driver before heading to a seat around half way down the bus. The bus is empty besides from him, which he supposes makes sense, considering it's so early in the morning. What day is it again? Saturday? Sunday? He isn't sure how long ago he ran away, so he can't tell what day it is. 

Surely a Saturday, it couldn't have been that long ago. It had been a Friday, and he's sure he only spent one night with Remus, albeit a sleepless one. So a Saturday morning it must be. 

This is the earliest bus, though. Not many people catching the earliest bus out of town. 

The bus starts moving and Declan leans against the glass, feeling the vibrations on his skull. He's tempted to go to sleep, but afraid of what might happen if he does and someone finds him. He wishes that he had something with him, a book or some music, anything to keep him occupied, but he doesn't. Instead, he watches the streets blur past him and dives again into his memories. 

~*~ 

_ It was a Monday morning and Declan was dreading school. His friends were starting to drift away, maybe finally realising just how much they actually hated Declan. He had been hanging out in secret with that person for a few weeks now, and perhaps his friends had found out.  _

_ His friends weren't in the spot they usually were, which probably meant they were avoiding him. Sighing, probably out of annoyance but very possibly out of relief, he headed straight for form instead, deciding to sit in the classroom for the fifteen minutes he had to wait.  _

_ The teacher didn't seem to mind. She sat at her desk as usual and Declan laid his head on the desk, silently wishing he could just disappear.  _

~*~ 

The bus stops and Declan stops thinking, because another person enters. He sits up straight and stares ahead, trying to sneak a glance at the newcomer in order to make sure they weren't a threat. 

For a moment, the two lock eyes, and that single moment seems to last forever. A part of Declan recognises them, as he stares into their deep brown eyes. And for a moment, they seem to understand each other perfectly. They click. But that doesn't make any sense. Because Declan thinks that he's never seen this person before in his life. 

Still... something about them is familiar. They seem to think that Declan is familiar, as well. 

The bus jerks forward and the newcomers stumble a little, before quickly taking a seat right near the front. Declan looks away, back out the window. 

~*~ 

_ He stared at the students outside, all talking and laughing and having a good time. Declan was stuck in a lunchtime detention, one that he probably deserved but for all the wrong reasons.  _

_ Earlier on, his ex-friends were tormenting his new friend, as they did before anyway, and Declan had lost it. Rage had already been building up inside him since day one, and in that moment it was all let out. And maybe he said some things that shouldn't have been said. Maybe he had punched one of them in the face and left a nasty looking bruise, but could you really blame him? Sure, he may have pulled out a knife on them when things were starting to get serious, but he wasn't planning on doing anything with the knife. He just wanted them all to back off, so that his friend... so that Virgil was safe.  _

~*~

Virgil. Their name was Virgil. 

Declan glances back over at the other person on the bus, and for a split second, he imagines Virgil sitting there, with their signature hoodie and dyed purple hair. And he wishes that Virgil was actually there, with him, if only so he knew that Virgil was still safe, that they were fine without Declan's protection. He hasn't seen Virgil in years, and he misses Virgil, and he should've thought to contact them sooner, and- 

The image of Virgil in the stranger's place doesn't go away. Virgil is sitting there, really sitting there, aren't they? 

They're looking straight at Declan. 

~*~

_ "Why were you carrying a knife?" Virgil asked, immediately after Declan stepped out of detention. They had waited for him. Of course they had waited for him, that sweetheart. Declan didn't deserve them.  _

_ "My friend gave it to me," Declan said, simply. "An old friend. We don't talk anymore, but he wanted me to have it, before I left."  _

_ "Your friend gave you... a knife."  _

_ "It's very important to me, okay?" Declan sighed. "He was very important to me. Before you, he was my only real friend."  _

_ Virgil glanced at him. "I'm your friend?"  _

_ "Of course you're my friend," Declan said. "I just pulled a knife out on somebody for you. Do you really think I'd do that if you weren't my friend?"  _

_ Virgil stared ahead, his expression blank. "I've never had a real friend before," he whispered.  _

_ Declan smirked. "I get the feeling," he said.  _

_ Virgil smiled. "Well, at least we both have a friend now. Please stop carrying a knife around, though. Or at least keep it wrapped up safe, and try not to threaten people with it."  _

~*~

By the time the bus gets to the next stop, Virgil seems to have realised that it's Declan sitting there. As the bus driver lets on a couple more people - probably heading to work - they get up and sit next to Declan. 

"Hey, Dee," they whisper. 

"Hey, Vee," he gladly responds. 

"Been a while." 

"Certainly has." 

They look at him, looking as though they might be about to cry. Declan wraps his arms around them, tightly. They melt into the hug. 

"I missed you," they mumbled into his shoulder. When they drew back, Declan noticed that a bit of their eyeliner had been smudged, probably left on his cloak. 

"I'm sorry for not calling," Declan says. "Things have been..." 

"I get it," Virgil says. They frown. "What happened to your face?" 

Declan frowns as well, reaching a hand up to his cheek. He silently curses himself for failing to reapply his makeup. "It's a long story." 

"A bad one?" 

"Yeah." 

"That's okay. You don't have to tell me." 

"Thank you."

~*~

_ Declan never really talked much, and neither did Virgil, and they were both okay with that. A lot of the time, they'd sit in silence at lunch, just happy to be safe in one another's presence.  _

_ Declan knew there was a lot of stuff going on with Virgil that they didn't tell them about, and for a while this was strange to him, as the only other example of a friend he had was Remus, who had, well... Remus had never been good at keeping things from Declan. Remus had told him everything.  _

_ So then on days when Virgil was upset and wouldn't tell Declan what was going on, he never knew what to do. In the past when Remus had had his bad days, all Declan had to have done was listen to him and everything would be fine again. But with Virgil, he didn't know how to help. He had never been good at words, they always seemed to come out wrong, and when Virgil was hurt he never knew what to say.  _

_ Eventually he learned that he didn't have to say anything. All he needed to do was sit with them and make sure that they knew he was there.  _

_ The two eventually reached an agreement that whenever the other had something going on, they didn't need to say anything. All they needed was for the other to sit near and show that they cared, that they'd always be by each other's side. They didn't need to speak about anything.  _

_ Unless something got more serious.  _

~*~

"Where are you heading?" Virgil asks, glancing around at the other people on the bus with slight worry. 

"A couple towns over," Declan replies. "Going to see a... well, not a friend, but..."

Virgil raises an eyebrow. "You talk to other people?" 

"I haven't talked to him in years," Declan says. "He doesn't even know I'm going. Life has been... weird, recently." 

"Going through a crisis, again?" Virgil wonders. 

Declan hums. "Something like that. I'm not really sure what's going on." He thinks he is telling the truth, but something in him begs to differ. 

"Wanna talk about it?" 

"Not really." 

"Thought so." 

~*~

_ One day when Declan was round at Virgil’s house, they had turned to him, a strange expression on their face. That day, Declan didn't know what that look had meant, but he soon learned to realise that it meant Virgil wanted to talk. Really talk.  _

_ "I don't think I'm a boy," Virgil had said.  _

_ For a moment, Declan was taken aback, mostly because of how open Virgil was suddenly being. "Do you think you're a girl?"  _

_ Virgil shook their head. "No. I... I don't think I'm either."  _

_ Declan didn't really understand, and Virgil seemed to get that message.  _

_ "I was doing some research, and I found this thing... 'Non-binary', they call it. When a person doesn't feel as though they are strictly male or female."  _

_ Declan hummed. "And you think you're that?"  _

_ Virgil nodded. "I mean, I think so. Maybe."  _

_ "What do I call you, then?" Declan asked.  _

_ "Huh?"  _

_ "I mean, I can't go around calling you a 'boy' and using he/him if you're not, can I?" Declan looked at them. "Unless you'd prefer that?"  _

_ "No, I... They/them would be nice," they said, "instead of he/him. But you can call me whatever. I wouldn't want to... inconvenience, you."  _

_ Declan stared at him, hard. "You're not inconveniencing me. You're not a boy, and that's okay."  _

_ Virgil blinked. "And you... you don't think that's weird?"  _

_ Declan smiled. "It's not weird, Vee. You are an amazing person, just the way that you are."  _

~*~

"So, where are you heading?" Declan asks, a little louder than his voice before as he begins to get more comfortable. 

"A couple towns over, too," they say, still timid as ever. 

Declan looks out the window. "You know this area well?" 

Virgil nods. "I catch this bus every few weeks. Although usually it's empty." When Declan looks over again, he sees that Virgil is still eyeing the other passengers. 

"They're not going to hurt you," he reassures them, sensing their worry. "If they try anything, I'm here to protect you again." 

Virgil's head shoots towards Declan. "You're not carrying a knife again, are you?" 

"I don't-" He reaches into his pocket and feels cold metal against his skin, as he realises that the yellow-decorated knife is still there. "Okay, yeah, I am, but I don't usually." 

"I told you to stop doing that," they remind him. "It's dangerous." 

Declan laughs. "Please, I've never once gotten into trouble because of my knives." He was lying, and Virgil knew it. 

"Please at least say it's packed safely? And not just out in your pocket?" 

Declan bit his lip. "Well." 

"Dee, I swear to God-" 

"In my defence, I didn't mean to bring it along with me. Remus and I-" 

"Remus?" 

"My... friend." Declan looks away from Virgil. "From before I met you. I talked about him once, I think." 

"The one who gave you the knife?" Virgil recalls. 

"Yes. We just met up, and..." He doesn't finish. 

~*~

_ Declan had only ever opened up to Virgil once. After the day that Virgil had come out to him, they had continued to tell Declan things that were going on, and Declan always listened. That was what he was good at.  _

_ So when he came around to tell Virgil more about himself, he struggled to figure out how to go about it.  _

_ "My only other friend got hurt," he told them. "Hurt really bad. That's why I had to stop talking to him. My parents were afraid I'd get hurt too."  _

_ "Is that why you moved?" Virgil asked.  _

_ Declan shook his head. "I don't know why we moved." That was a lie, but Declan didn't want to speak about it. "But it is why I was alone before coming here. And why I was so quick to attach myself to... to them."  _

_ Virgil snuggled closer to Declan. The two were sat outside in Declan's garden, on a summer night, watching the stars, with Declan's arm wrapped around Virgil's shoulder.  _

_ "I regret staying with them, though," Declan said. "It wasn't good for me. I should've realised sooner."  _

_ Virgil looked up at Declan. "You were never like them, though."  _

_ "I was," Declan stated. "I was horrible, and I know that."  _

_ "You weren't."  _

_ "I was." He sighed. "I was stupid and honestly I understand why everyone at school still hates me."  _

_ "I'm sure they don't all hate you-"  _

_ "They do. And it's fine, I don't blame them." He was silent for a moment. "Sometimes I hate me too."  _

_ Virgil was silent, as well.  _

_ "We should head back inside," Declan finally said, deciding he had had enough of being open and vulnerable. Virgil didn't need to know every single detail of his life. Sometimes, Declan didn't want to know, either.  _

~*~

"We should get off, soon," Virgil suggests. "There's a diner up ahead I like to go to on the way. The bus starts to get busy after that stop, but the later ones stay empty." 

Declan smiles. "Are you inviting me for lunch?" 

Virgil is still for a moment, before they nod. "Yeah, I guess I am." They look at Declan. "You need to eat." 

"No I don't." 

"When was the last time you ate?" 

Declan isn't sure. 

"Exactly." Virgil presses the bell for the bus to stop. "You need to eat something." 

~*~

_ Declan looked around the cafeteria as Virgil ate, keeping lookout for any possible danger. He knew what Virgil had been through before Declan became their friend, and he wasn't about to let it happen all over again, especially considering all the news that was quickly spreading around about Virgil. He knew how horrible people could be, and he didn't want Virgil to suffer any longer.  _

_ Luckily, nobody tried anything. People would pass by and stare, sneer, mutter things, horrible things, but they never fully confronted Virgil. And part of that was probably due to Declan. People were afraid of Declan, he had grown to realise. Word had spread quickly about the knife incident, so Declan supposed people just kept away from him so that they didn't get stabbed. Not that Declan would stab anyone, as tempting as it sounded.  _

_ In the hallway after lunch, somebody pushed past Virgil, deliberately, causing them to stumble to the ground.  _

_ "Hey!" Declan called after him. "What do you think you're doing?"  _

_ The person didn't turn back. Declan almost ran after them, but stopped as Virgil tugged on his trousers.  _

_ "He's not worth it," Virgil said.  _

_ "You are, though."  _

_ "I'm fine," Virgil lied. "I knew I'd get backlash about this. And it's fine. I don't care what all of them think."  _

_ Declan helped Virgil back to their feet. "That doesn't mean you deserve any of this."  _

_ Virgil just looked at him, sadly. "But it also doesn't mean you should get expelled over it. Promise me you won't get into trouble over me?"  _

_ Declan sighed. Virgil had a point. "Yeah, I promise."  _

~*~

The bus stops and the pair get off, Virgil leading Declan towards the diner. It must be nearing midday at this point, and Declan wonders how time has gone by so quickly. 

When Virgil enters, about five different employees say hello and refer to them by name, before the two take a seat near the back. 

"You come in here a lot, I assume?" Declan says. 

Virgil chuckles. "Yeah, I guess. Enough times that the staff here seem to have adopted me." 

Declan laughs. "Wow, I'm happy for you." 

"Yeah, well... It's nice here. Quiet. Y'know?"

~*~

_ Virgil had always liked places that were quiet. The two had built a treehouse in the forest behind Declan's house - or as close to a treehouse that they could get. They didn't really have the materials or the skill required to build a full treehouse, but what they did have was a tree big enough for them both to sit on, with a small concave in the centre to act as a little 'room', and enough pillows and blankets to last a lifetime.  _

_ The two spent a lot of time there, sometimes together and sometimes alone. And they liked it there, just the two of them, bundled up. Sometimes they'd do work, sometimes they'd sleep, sometimes they'd just sit and relax. It was their space, quiet and separate from the outside world. They were safe there.  _

~*~

Before he realises, food has arrived at their table, and Virgil has begun to eat. Declan does the same, just realising how hungry he really is. He really should've eaten back at Remus place, but to be fair, he isn't sure how much he trusts Remus' food. 

This food is good, though, he decides. He understands why Virgil likes this place so much. 

"So what have you been up too?" Declan asks. 

Virgil looks up from their plate. "Oh, uh, not much, really. Just life. I still draw, I guess. Have a job in a café back home."

Declan is kind of surprised by how put-together Virgil's life seems to be. 

"You?" 

Oh great. Now they're asking how Declan's life is. Perfect. 

"Not going great?" Virgil assumes. 

Declan sighs, but nods. 

"That's okay," Virgil says. "Life is hard, I get it." 

Desperately wanting to change the subject, Declan asks, "So why are you heading out of town?" 

"Oh, I see a therapist there," they state, casually. Ah, so perhaps Virgil's life isn't as put-together as Declan thought. "Figured after all the shit that went down I needed to talk through some stuff. He's really good, the therapist - Dr Picani, his name is. I... It's going good." 

Declan smiles. "Good. I'm glad you're getting help." 

For a moment, Virgil looks at Declan with concern. "Are you sure you don't wanna talk about what's going on?" they ask. "If you want, I can refer you to Picani, I'm sure he'd-" 

"No, Vee, it's fine," Declan says, plastering on a smile. "I'm figuring this out myself." 

Virgil shrugs. "Okay. If you say so." They return to their meal. 

~*~ 

_ Declan was fine. He was sitting in their tree, staring out at the storm, and he couldn't tell if it was rain or tears falling down his cheek, but he was fine.  _

_ He was alone but that was okay, because he liked being alone, didn't he? He always liked being alone. People were complicated and scary and never listened to him and he just wanted to be alone.  _

_ But then Virgil was besides him, and then Virgil was hugging him, and then Virgil was carrying him away, back home.  _

_ And the storm still raged outside and Declan still wanted to be alone.  _

~*~

Now the two are back on the bus, a different one this time, and Declan is close to drifting off. He still hasn't slept properly for a couple days now, so it's probably good that he's drifting off. He allows himself to, which is strange, because he'd never do that normally, not in public. 

A second later, he's jolted awake by the movement of the bus, and he finds that Virgil had taken off their hoodie and wrapped it around Declan. He sees Virgil's bare arms and tries to give them the hoodie back, but then he's asleep again and the hoodie is so warm. 

~*~

_ Virgil had got into a fight one day, and of course he'd lost, and of course Declan had come to the rescue and scared everyone off, and of course Virgil was upset after. Less so because of the fight, but more because of the rips that were now in his black hoodie.  _

_ Declan had taken the hoodie and done everything he could to make it better. He worked late into the night, sowing purple plaid patches into all the rips, and fashioning it so that it looked even greater than before.  _

_ And when Virgil had seen it, their eyes had lit up like lightning, and Declan never saw them take it off again.  _

~*~

Virgil shakes Declan awake, who groans at the sudden movement. "Hey, Dee, this is my stop." 

He sits up and looks around, pushing the hoodie off him and back into Virgil's lap. 

"This is my stop, too," he says, standing up. 

Virgil smiles, and the two walk out, hand-in-hand. 

"We should meet up again," Virgil suggests. "I... I really did miss you." 

Declan nods. "I missed you too, Vee. We can meet up again." 

And Virgil just looks so happy. "I'll see you, then?" 

"Definitely." 

And then Virgil walks off into the distance, and Declan is left to himself once more.


	4. Roman

Declan holds his hand up to the door, trying his hardest to convince himself to knock. He isn't even sure if this is Roman's house - it certainly looks like the extravagant mansion that Roman would have always dreamed of, but it also looks too perfect, like he could never possibly afford this place. He thinks back to Remus' apartment, and... yeah, that family had never been particularly well-off, how did Roman have this house? 

He supposes the only way to know is to get inside and see Roman again. He hasn't seen Roman in years, and he was never particularly good friends with him, so he isn't even sure if Roman will recognise him. But he has to try, right? This could be the missing piece. 

But before he can bring himself to knock on the door, it swings open, and a stranger is standing there. A tall man, wearing a black shirt and a tie, with black-rimmed, big glasses. Declan momentarily loses all ability of speech. 

"Can I help you?" the man asks, looking Declan up and down with distaste. 

Declan clears his throat. "Sorry, um, I think I have the wrong-" 

Another man emerges behind the stranger and Declan looks him in the eye. There is an immediate connection, and Declan... Declan knows him. He knows Declan. His eyes widen. 

"Declan?" Roman says, shoving the stranger aside, who then looks up at him, slightly annoyed but not angry. "Oh my God, Declan, you..." 

Declan gives him a small smile. "Roman. Sorry for coming with no notice, but, uh..." 

"Come in!" Roman exclaims, stepping back to allow him to enter. He does, and Roman leads him into the kitchen, with the stranger trailing close behind. 

"Hey, uh, Roman, mind to explain what's going on?" the stranger asks. 

Roman turns to him. "Oh! Right. Declan here-" He swings an arm around Declan's shoulders, causing Declan to wince slightly. "-is an old friend." 

The stranger frowns. "Right. And he's here because-?" 

Roman frowns as well, turning to Declan. "Actually, yeah. Why are you here?" 

For a second, Declan forgets how to breathe. "Uh, it's a long story..." 

~*~

_There were days when Remus was feeling real bad, and on those days Declan would often hang out with Roman. They would sit in Roman's room and listen to music (often showtunes) and Roman would talk just how Remus would and Declan would listen. And the two would enjoy one another's company, even if they were only friends because of Remus._

_But Roman was nice to him. He'd always make a killer cup of tea, and sometimes he'd do Declan's makeup, and every now and then they'd cuddle, platonically, of course. Declan enjoyed his days with Roman, even though it meant that Remus wasn't okay._

~*~

Declan stares into his tea, trying to get a grip on the thoughts circling his mind. How is he supposed to explain this? Especially with another person, a complete stranger, in the room. 

"Maybe start with why you've come here?" Roman suggests, leaning over the table. The stranger stood to the side, leaning on the kitchen counter and staring at Declan. 

"Okay, but can he leave?" Declan requests, gesturing to the stranger. 

"Who, Logan?" Roman says. 

"Logan?" Declan repeats. 

"I'm Logan," the stranger says, stepping towards him. "Roman's husband." 

Declan looks at Roman. "You got married?" 

Roman blinks. "Yeah?" 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I... I lost all contact with you after you left town," Roman says. "I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I had no way of tracking you down." 

"I... I've been in contact with Remus," he says. 

Roman shrugs. "I don't really talk to Remus a lot, nowadays. You know he got arrested, right?" 

"He did?" 

"Yeah, shortly after you left town," Roman says. "I think he's out now, but... I do worry for him, sometimes. He doesn't want me to visit him." 

"Oh." 

"Okay, I don't think I should be here for this conversation," Logan says. "I'm gonna go for a walk." He leans down and kisses Roman on the forehead, before leaving the house. 

For a moment, Declan sits there, staring down into his tea again. 

~*~ 

_He stared into his hot chocolate, watching the froth on top float around in circles. It was hypnotising, and he could almost forget about everything that was going on. Forget about the raging storm outside, and the raging storm back home._

_Roman rubbed Declan's back. "You okay, buddy?"_

_Declan kept his eyes focused on the hot chocolate. "Yeah, of course."_

_"Your father said he'd be round soon," the twins mother said, coming into the kitchen._

_Declan's head shot up. "Are you sure I can't just stay here?"_

_"Your parents want you at home, Declan," she said. "You really shouldn't have come out in the storm, it's dangerous-"_

_As if on cue, lightning flashed, causing Declan to jump back. The twins mother looked out the window, with concern._

_"Your father may be a while, though, if it's like this," she said. "Finish your hot chocolate, you look freezing."_

_He was freezing. He had walked over here in the rain, and his clothes were soaked through, and really this was all a terrible idea, but he couldn't bear to be at home any longer. He wanted to see Remus._

_"I'm sorry that Remus is ill," Roman said, sitting down opposite Declan. "I'm sure if he wasn't puking his guts up he'd be down here straight away."_

_Declan let out a small laugh. "It's fine." He took a sip of his hot chocolate, not even caring that it burned his tongue. "I'd still rather sit here than sit at home."_

_Roman stared at him, looking a little worried. "Hey, if something is going on-"_

_"Nothing's going on," Declan lied. "Just bored, is all."_

_"Ah." His mother set a cup down in front of him, and Roman immediately lifted it up to drink. A moment later, he pulled it away from his lips and winced. "Agh, that's hot-"_

_Declan allowed himself to laugh a little more. At least Roman was here._

~*~ 

Declan begins to drink his tea and he begins to feel a little better. Tea always helps. 

"I was just with Remus," Declan finally says. "He's who told me you live here." 

Roman raises an eyebrow. "Why were you with Remus?" 

Declan sighs and closes his eyes. "It's complicated. I needed a place to go and Remus' apartment was right there." 

"So... he told you to come here?" 

Declan opens his eyes again. "I wanted to see you. You were always... well, you helped a lot." 

"I did?" 

"You've helped me more than anyone." 

~*~ 

_Tears fell down Declan's cheek. He was sitting in Roman's room, hiding down the side of his bed. Only Roman knew he was in the house, and he wanted to keep it that way. Roman didn't know much about what was going on, but Declan trusted him the most with the information. Whilst he was definitely better friends with Remus, Remus wasn't the best person to go to in a crisis. Remus was loud, and talked, and didn't really know when the right time to stop was. But Roman was good._

_Declan just needed some time to himself, and Roman was more than happy to supply that. Sinking further down to the floor, he crawled under Roman's bed and wrapped himself in the blanket Roman had provided, closing his eyes and trying to control his breathing._

_He wasn't sure how much time had passed before there was a gentle knock on the door. He held his breath, afraid that it was someone other than Roman entering the room, but soon enough Roman had leant down, looking at Declan under the bed. Roman offered him a comforting smile and a hand, and Declan took it, happy as Roman squeezed it tight._

~*~ 

"So, like, what happened?" Roman asks. 

"I ran away," Declan states, surprised at how quickly he manages to get it out. 

"Why?" 

"I... don't know." 

"You don't know?" 

"I don't remember." He isn't lying. 

"How do you not remember?" 

"I don't know!" He groans. "It's weird. I don't remember what happened, but I know I didn't like it. And I know I can't go back." 

"So, what, are you homeless now, or something?" Roman says, standing up to collect their now empty cups. 

Declan runs his hand through his hair. "Maybe? Not really. I have places I can go. And it's not like I can't go back home, I just... don't want to." 

Roman hums. "Y'know, you should probably stop running away from home. You did it about ten times a month back when we were kids." 

"I wasn't running away from home then," Declan insists. "I was just visiting you guys." 

"Yeah, because you didn't want to be at home." 

"Not the point." Declan sighs. "I just... I don't know what happened with my life, Roman." 

~*~ 

_Sat beside Roman on his bed, Declan stared at Roman's wall, focusing on a playbill for some musical that he'd yet to listen to, despite the constant begging he got from Roman._

_"I don't know what's going on in my life anymore," he told Roman. "Everything seems to just be falling apart."_

_Roman pursed his lips. "Maybe you should see a therapist."_

_"Nah, I don't need one of those," Declan says, only half convincing himself. "I just... want things to make more sense."_

_"What doesn't make sense?"_

_"Everything! Like..." He tapped his finger on his leg. "Like, you know Sloane and Corbin, from school? My parents say I'm not allowed to talk to them, even though they're both so sweet, and they always complain about how the school lets them hug and stuff, even though there isn't anything wrong with hugging people? Like, what's up with that?"_

_"Maybe your parents just don't like gay people," Roman suggested._

_Declan looked at him, confused._

_"You know. Boys who like boys. Girls who like girls."_

_Declan blinked._

_Roman sighed. "You know how your parents and my parents are a boy and a girl, and they're 'in love'."_

_"My parents aren't in love," Declan said, with absolute certainty. "I'm pretty sure they hate each other."_

_"Yeah, but they're a couple, aren't they?"_

_"Well, they're married."_

_"Exactly," Roman said, beginning to tap along to Declan's beat with his foot. "Well, the same thing happens, but with a boy and a boy or a girl and a girl, instead of a boy and a girl. That's what Sloane and Corbin are like."_

_"So, they're gay?"_

_"Yes."_

_"But why does that mean my parents don't like them?" Declan asked, struggling to understand it all._

_Roman shrugged. "Some people are just like that. They don't like people that are different from them."_

_"That's dumb."_

_Roman chuckled. "Yeah. It is dumb." He glanced down. "I'm gay as well, you know."_

_Declan looked over at him. "You are?"_

_"Yeah." He stopped tapping, and so did Declan. "I... haven't actually told anyone that. But I've known for a while."_

_It took awhile for Declan to figure out what he should say, but eventually he settled on, "That's cool. You should show all those people who don't like it that it's cool."_

_He laughed. "Are you suggesting we go beat up all the homophobes?"_

_Declan wasn't sure what Roman meant by 'homophobe', but he assumed it was those people he mentioned that didn't like gay people. "Yes, I am."_

~*~ 

Declan is now sitting in Roman's front room, huddled up against the arm of the sofa. A window takes up an entire wall, showcasing Roman's flower-filled garden and letting in so much natural light that Declan feels he might be blinded.

Roman had left a while ago, allowing Declan to get as comfortable as he pleased. He still isn't comfortable, feeling as though he may have overstayed his welcome, but he's happy that Roman is still giving him a chance. 

He watches as some birds fly past the window, smiling a little. Being a bird would be nice. No rules, no limitations. Just freedom. 

He sighs and rolls his head back, cushioning it on the back of the sofa. Part of him wants to close his eyes and go to sleep, but most of him shouts back that he'd definitely be overstaying his welcome if he did that. 

Maybe he should just leave. He wasn't exactly invited here, and whilst Roman did seem somewhat happy to see him, Declan thinks this is more just Roman being polite. And it isn't as if Roman is magically going to fix all of Declan's problems. This is something that Declan needs to sort out himself, or maybe... find someone who could help better. 

His mind goes through all the possible options for where he could go from here, none of them sounding particularly... good. He could head back home, of course, but he's afraid of what may be waiting for him there. Then there was... well, he could always just leave the country, change his name, and start a new life, away from all of this. That would probably require money, though, which Declan doesn't exactly have much off. 

Logan comes back into the house before Roman, and sees Declan sitting on the sofa. "Oh," he says, "you're still here." 

Declan looks up at him. "Roman told me to wait here." That was a lie. All Roman had said was that Declan could sit in here for a while whilst Roman sorted out some things, but he hadn't asked Declan to wait around. 

Entering the room and sitting on a chair on the other side of the room, Logan asks, "Do you know where you're heading from here?" 

Declan shakes his head. "Not yet." 

~*~ 

_"Where are you even going to go?" Roman asked, as the two trekked through the forest, Remus trailing a little behind._

_"I don't know," Declan said. "Anywhere."_

_"This is a bad idea," Roman stated, firmly._

_Declan rolled his eyes. "I know what I'm doing. I can take care of myself."_

_"Uh, hate to break it to you," Remus chimed in, coming up besides him, "but Roman's right. I think this is a bad idea, too."_

_Declan glared at Remus. "When have you ever thought one of my ideas was bad?"_

_"Dec, I'm all for causing chaos, and usually your ideas are fun, but this is not just causing chaos. This is serious."_

_Roman hummed. "We really should head back."_

_"I'm not going back home," Declan insisted. "For real this time. I'm leaving."_

_"Declan-"_

_"Boys!" another person shouted, running up to them. It was the twin's mother. Declan sighed. "Boys, what are you doing so far into the forest? You shouldn't be out here all alone. Come home, okay?"_

_Declan looked to the ground, avoiding the twin's mother's gaze._

_"You too, Declan," she said. "Your parents are probably worried sick."_

_They wouldn't be, Declan knew that, but it wasn't as if he could argue. He followed them back into town, back home. No matter how many times he tried to run, he always ended up back home._

~*~ 

Roman is in the room now as well, sitting on the arm of Logan's chair and mindlessly playing with his hair. 

"Maybe I should go home," Declan says, even though that was the last thing he wanted. 

"No, Declan," Roman says. "That's never worked out in the past." 

Declan sighs. "I'm not with my parents anymore, though. It's... different now." 

"But still bad, right?" 

It can't be all bad. It must be better than his parents, right? Otherwise he would've tried to run sooner. He wouldn't have been there in the first place. Surely he's learnt by now, right? 

But... if it wasn't bad he wouldn't have run away. He always ran away when things got bad, and then he always returned, and things always got worse. And now he has a chance to escape it all... 

"Sorry, Roman. You're... right." It's difficult to say that out loud, but for once Declan is telling the whole truth. "I can't go back." 

Logan hums. "Do you have any family or friends you could stay with?" 

"Logan, he's not going back to his parents," Roman says. "I'm not allowing it." 

For a moment Logan looks confused, and Declan doesn't blame him because he doesn't know the full story, but he soon settles into it. "Okay, that's understandable." 

"I have a brother," Declan remembers. "He's... He's alright, I think. I haven't spoken to him in years." 

Logan glances at Roman, then back at Declan. "Would you be safe there?" 

"I think so." 

"How far away is he?" Roman asks. 

Declan thinks. "I'm not sure. I don't know his address." 

"What's his name?" Logan asks, pulling out his phone. 

"Patton," Declan says. "Sanders." 

Logan's eyes widened. "Patton," he repeats. 

"Yes?" 

"I know him," Logan says. "We... We were at uni together." 

Declan begins to think that things are going to be okay. "Do you know where he is?" 

Logan nods. "Yeah. I can drive you, if you want." 

"Are you sure?" Declan fiddles with his fingers. "I wouldn't... I wouldn't want to be a bother, or anything." 

"No bother at all," Logan says. "I'm not doing anything this weekend anyway." 

Declan looks at Roman, who gives him a smile and a thumbs up. He smiles back, then stands up. "Thank you. Both of you."


	5. Logan

Declan sits in the passenger seat of Logan's car, looking out the window to avoid Logan's gaze. They've been on the road for a few minutes now, Roman's house quickly fading into the distance, and Logan seems very concentrated on the road ahead. The sun has started to set, and Declan is watching the different colours spread across the sky, all the reds mixing in with the usual blue, a strip of yellow in the middle. It's weird, sharing a car with an almost stranger, but at least he has the sunset to watch. 

"I know this is probably weird for you, Declan," Logan says, thankfully still not making eye contact, "but I assure you the journey will not be long." 

"It's alright, Logan. Any friend of Roman is a friend of mine." 

Logan hums. "Y'know, this is all very strange for me, as well. Roman has never even mentioned you." 

"We haven't talked for a while," Declan admits. "I was closer to his brother anyway, so after I stopped hanging out with his brother, we didn't have much of a reason to speak." 

"I wasn't even aware that Roman had a brother," Logan says. 

Declan frowns. "You weren't?" 

"Roman never talks to him. Actually, he doesn't talk about his old life much, at all." 

"Huh." 

~*~

_ There had been days when Declan had wondered about Roman. He was a nice guy, sure, and a great person to talk to, but... he always seemed to want more. And he never seemed to enjoy being where he was.  _

_ Declan was sure that Roman loved his brother, but sometimes Roman seemed to want nothing to do with him. It was... It was kind of like those days when Declan tried to run away. Roman was trying to run away from his... almost from his very connection to Remus.  _

_ And Declan somewhat understood. Perhaps it was just a sibling thing. His brother had ran away from him, too...  _

~*~

"I get it," Declan says. "The past can be..." 

"Painful?" Logan suggests. 

"Yeah. Painful." 

Logan hums. "Would I be crossing a line if I asked about your past?" 

Declan is silent. 

"I'm assuming that means yes." 

"No," Declan says. "Maybe. I don't know. Depends what you're asking."

Logan taps his finger on the steering wheel. "You grew up with Roman, correct?" 

"Yes," Declan says. "I was friends with his brother, so we were friends by association." 

"Did he ever say much about himself?" Logan asks. 

Declan frowns. "I..." 

"I mean, did he speak much about his personal life?" 

Declan blinks. "I... I knew his family. I spent a lot of time around his family, and they all seemed to be alright. I probably knew everything about his personal life just by being friends with him. He... He did tell me that he’s gay." 

Logan sighs with what seems to be relief. "Okay, that's good. I just... wonder why he never spoke about you." 

Declan shrugs. "I moved away. We drifted apart." 

"You'd think that if you were so close to his family, you'd still be in touch with him," Logan says. 

"Honestly, I think I just used Roman's family as an escape," Declan admits. "Things at home weren't great back then." 

Logan raises an eyebrow. "They weren't?" 

~*~

_ Declan sat in his room, as close to the window as possible, hugging his knees. His parents had been shouting for God knows how long and he just wanted them to stop. He was tempted, so, so tempted, to just open his window there and then and run to Remus' place, away from all the noise.  _

_ But he knew doing that would cause attention, which would give his parents a reason to shout at him, and he already couldn't handle them just shouting at each other.  _

_ He heard something break downstairs. And then footsteps walking up the stairs.  _

~*~

"I don't want to talk about it," Declan tells Logan. 

Logan nods in understanding, and returns to driving, not speaking to Declan much more. 

Declan looks out the window, noticing that the sun has now set. The sky is clear, displaying an array of stars. He looks at them, happily, and is able to forget about the memories plaguing his mind. 

A song comes on the radio that Declan knows, sort of. He recognises it, and hums along to some of the lyrics, but doesn't know the song as well as he thinks he should. It's nice though, to listen to it. 

~*~

_ A song blasted through his earphones at full volume, as he sat alone in the forest, by their pond. It was an autumn afternoon, the air that perfect temperature where he could wear a jacket outside but he wasn't freezing to death. And the wind was near non-existent, meaning it was quite pleasant to sit by the pond.  _

_ He sang along to the song - at least, to the parts of the song he knew - and for a moment all his cares went away. He wasn't a particularly good singer - he knew that if either Roman or Remus was here with him, they'd easily outshine him - but he enjoyed it, and that was all that mattered, really.  _

_ He laid his head back, resting amongst the fallen leaves. If he had wanted to, he could’ve closed his eyes and gone to sleep, an angelic voice whispering in his ear, and everything would've been fine.  _

~*~

"So this brother of yours," Logan says, dragging Declan out of his daydream. "Patton. Were you close to him?" 

It takes Declan a moment to realise what Logan is talking about. "Oh. Right. Well..." 

"I'm guessing not?" 

"We were once upon a time, I think," Declan says. "I don't remember much. He left. We didn't speak after that." 

"Left?" Logan repeats. 

"He disappeared one day," Declan clarifies, aware that it doesn't really give Logan much more information, but then again, Declan himself didn't have much information. "My parents wouldn't tell me what happened." 

"Huh." 

Declan looks over at Logan. "But you knew him, right? Did he ever mention anything to you?"

"He talked about how he never really got along with his parents," Logan says. "But he never mentioned a younger brother." 

Declan glances down, fixing his eyes on his knees. "Oh." 

"That's why I thought this whole thing was kind of weird," Logan continues. "I mean, you clearly weren't too close to each other." 

"Well, he left," Declan reminds him. "Ran away, I'm assuming. Left me all alone." 

~*~

_ Declan waited at the door for his brother to return. He'd be back soon, right? He must be back soon. His parent's must have been lying when they said Pat wasn't coming back, there was no way that Pat would just leave him.  _

_ He waited deep into the night, waiting even for a sign that Pat was returning, but nothing happened. And things were only getting worse.  _

_ Pat wasn't coming back, was he?  _

~*~

"He always seemed like such a cheerful person," Logan says. "Like... I never would've thought that he would abandon his family. He didn't seem like..." 

"It was a long time ago," Declan interrupts. "I'm sure he's changed by now." He hates the fact that there's a hint of aggression in his tone, because he shouldn't be feeling this way about his brother, but... 

"Will he at least be happy to see you?" Logan asks. 

Declan shrugs. "I hope so. In all honesty, he probably won't recognise me. I just... hope he remembers me." 

Logan glances at him with concern for a second, before returning his gaze to the road. "I cannot imagine why he wouldn't remember you. He's your brother." 

"In theory, yes." He looks out the window again at the stars. "But..." He sighs. "I... know it sounds bad, but..." He doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to admit that he doesn't even remember his brother's voice, that he doesn't even remember what he was like, that he doesn't even remember how he looks. 

He tries to remember. 

~*~ 

_ It was a starry night and their parents were out, so Patton had taken Declan up the hill around the back of their street. There was a tree on top which they sat under, looking up at the stars. Patton had his arm wrapped around Declan's shoulder, and Declan...  _

_ Declan wasn't taking any notice. It was cold and he didn't want to be outside. And he complained to Patton, even though they were both somewhat enjoying the stars, though Patton a lot more than him. And Patton had taken him back inside and allowed him to sleep, and Declan hadn't even paid his brother any attention.  _

_ And then one day it was too late.  _

~*~ 

They pull into a service station and Logan parks up. He's dropped the subject from before, at least, which Declan is more than happy about. What time is it? Logan turns the car off before he gets a chance to look at the time, but it must be nearing seven or eight, right? Maybe nine. Time is still weird for Declan. 

"We should sleep before carrying on," Logan suggests. "There's a hotel here that I often stay in for road trips, we should be able to get a room." 

Declan isn't exactly thrilled at the thought of spending the night in a hotel room with someone he barely knows, but the last time he slept was on that bus, which wasn't exactly a comfortable rest, so the idea of an actual bed is comforting to him. He gets out of the car and follows Logan up to the building, standing a few metres behind him as he books the room. A part of him feels bad knowing that Logan has paid for the room and Declan has no way of paying him back, but he pushes that thought deep down. 

"Are you hungry?" Logan says, after collecting the room key from the desk. 

Declan shakes his head. "I'm fine." That's a lie, and he thinks that Logan knows it. 

"Well, I am," Logan says. "It's important to eat enough food every day. And I missed out on dinner, so we should probably head to a place in the service station for food before heading up to bed." 

Declan nods. "Okay." If that's what Logan wants, he's not about to argue. And to be fair, he probably should eat something. 

Logan leads him out of the building again and into the building next door, where he nearly bumps into several frustrated looking men and almost kicks over about ten different children. But Logan seems to know what he is doing, so Declan sticks close behind him as they weave their way through the crowd to the food places at the back. 

"Now, usually I'd prefer a more healthy option, but it's best that we get something quick and cheap for now," Logan says. "So... McDonalds or KFC?" 

Declan shrugs. "Whichever you prefer. I'll eat anything." He really doesn't want to be a bother to Logan. 

"If you say so." He hums. "Any dietary requirements?" 

Declan blinks. "What?" 

"I mean, do you have any allergies, or are you vegan or gluten free or something along those lines?" 

Declan shakes his head. "No, I'll eat anything." He's always thought that he'd like to try being vegan at some point, but given his previous living circumstances he's never been able to. Thinking about it, he never really got to do a lot of things he wanted to do. 

Maybe running was a good thing. Even if it's putting him through all this trouble, he... he's free now to do what he wishes. 

Well, he will be, once everything settles down. Part of him thinks it's unlikely, but he desperately hopes things will be good with Patton. He... He needs things to be good. 

Before Declan even realises that he left, Logan returns with two Big Mac meals, and they go to take a seat in the dining area. Logan moves a tray off the table and places theirs down, muttering something under his breath about how inconsiderate some people can be, then hands Declan his meal. 

"Eat," he instructs. "I know you said that you weren't hungry, but you need to eat something." 

Declan nods. "Okay." 

Logan takes a bite of his own burger whilst Declan begins to slowly unwrap his. He frowns at Declan. "You know, you're very quick to agree with whatever I suggest." 

Declan isn't expecting that. "I... well..." 

"You can argue with me, you know," Logan says. "I'm not going to be angry if you don't like my plans." 

~*~ 

_ Tears streamed down Declan's face. He tried to make himself smaller, to get as far away from him as possible, but it wasn't working. His father was angry, and Declan didn't even know what he was saying anymore, but it couldn't be good.  _

_ All because Declan had asked if he could have something different from the menu. All because he had dared to go against his father's wishes.  _

_ He always had the meal his father had picked out for him, and he wanted to try something else for once, just one time, and it sounded like his father wanted to kill him for it.  _

_ And crying wasn't helping. They were beginning to catch the attention of other customers, all eyeing his father suspiciously, and soon enough they would be kicked out, wouldn't they? And then Declan would never get to try that new thing on the menu.  _

_ And then his father was dragging him out the restaurant anyway, before the workers there even had a chance to kick them out, and Declan was being shoved into the car and that day was one of the bad days and it was all Declan's fault.  _

_ He learnt not to argue with his father.  _

~*~ 

"I didn't want to trouble you," Declan says. He begins to eat his meal, starting with the fries. 

Logan frowns. "You wouldn't trouble me. You're allowed to have a say, y'know?" 

Declan doesn't know. 

"I won't be angry at you for having an opinion," Logan says. "I'm... guessing that you've experienced the opposite more than that, but know that your own feelings matter." 

Declan doesn't even know what to say. 

But Logan drops the conversation after that and the two eat in silence, before returning to their room. After getting Logan's (unneeded) permission, Declan takes a shower before going to bed. He wishes that he had some makeup with him, at least for the morning, to cover up his scar as usual, but he doesn't and there isn't much he can do about it. Whilst Logan would supposedly not be angry, he doesn't want to ask Logan to buy any, as he doesn't seem the type to use makeup and he's already done so much for Declan. 

Once Declan emerges from the bathroom, Logan takes his place. Declan goes to lie on one of the beds, the one closest to the door and furthest from the window. He closes his eyes and he's asleep before Logan comes back out the shower.

~*~ 

_ The sunlight streamed in through the window and Declan hid under his blanket. He hadn't slept last night, a combination of being in an unfamiliar environment and too afraid to sleep in the same room as his parents. He would be back home tomorrow, though (well, today, now), and he was desperately holding on to that fact. He would be back with Remus and Roman and...  _

_ Not Patton. Patton was gone, wasn't he?  _

_ His parents were already shouting at him, though. Telling him to get out of bed and get ready, quick, and his father was stressing and his mother wasn't exactly helping, and Declan just wanted to sleep.  _

~*~ 

An alarm goes off in the morning that wakes Declan up. He groans, sitting up in his bed. Logan is already walking around the room. 

"Ah, you're awake," Logan notes, pausing his pacing for a moment. 

Declan just stares at him, still half asleep and not really sure what's going on. 

"We should get back on the road soon, before the morning traffic gets too bad," Logan says. "So get up and get ready to go as soon as possible." 

Declan does what he instructs right away, already in his usual clothes so having no need to get changed, and nothing in terms of possessions save for a few loose coins left over from the bus which he had placed on the bedside table before going to sleep. Therefore, it's not long before they've checked out of the hotel and are back on the road. 

After a while of driving in silence, Logan hums. "Would it be rude to ask you about that scar?" 

"Yes," Declan replies, simply. 

"Ah." Logan looks ahead, seemingly dropping the conversation right away. 

"I don't remember what happened exactly," Declan continues anyway, with little control over what he's saying. He hasn't spoken about this in... well, he's not sure he's ever spoken about it. Maybe it's good to get it out. "My memory has been kind of... fuzzy, as of late. I think there was an accident." 

"Your memories have been fuzzy?" Logan repeats, in a questioning tone. 

Declan closes his eyes. "Everything has. Since I ran away, I'm not... sure what's been going on. I think it's been weird for a while, even before I left. And... things are starting to come back to me now. Things I haven't thought about in years. But it's all... I don't know." 

"Have you, perhaps, been repressing some memories of events in your life?" Logan wonders. "It's quite possible that you've tucked certain, maybe... not-so-good memories away, as they are too painful to think about. I know I don't know much about your life, but from what I've gathered, that likely seems to be the case." 

Declan looks out the window, watching the sun rise. "Maybe. I don't know. It all seems to be coming back now though, now that I've seen Remus and Roman and stuff." 

"Have you been isolating yourself?" 

Declan frowns. "What?" 

"I mean, have you had regular contact with other people?" 

"I..." 

~*~ 

_ The door was locked again and, as usual, Declan didn't have his key. She had woken up before him, so she must have taken the key with her. Another day in by himself then, huh? Great.  _

_ He sat in the living room reading a book, as he often did. The blinds were shut, but he could see silhouettes of people passing by. If he opened the blinds he could maybe see if he recognised anyone, but then she might shout at him when she got back, and he didn't want that.  _

_ So instead he read his book. It was a good book, he was sure. He enjoyed his books. He must have enjoyed his books more than he enjoyed other people, right?  _

_ He wasn't sure when the last time he went outside was.  _

~*~ 

Huh. He guesses he has been isolating himself. 

"Maybe reconnecting with old friends is doing you some good," Logan says. "I'd imagine that the same can be said for when you are reunited with Patton." 

"Hopefully," Declan mummers. 

"You know, I'd highly recommend that you see a therapist at some point," Logan says. "They may be able to help you with the memory thing." 

Declan nods. "Maybe. My... My friend did mention that, when I was speaking to them just before going to Roman's." 

"Your friend?" 

"Virgil. We were friends in school, and they were on the same bus I took to get to Roman's," Declan clarifies. 

"Got it." 

"But I want to try and figure it out myself first," Declan says, sticking with his decision from the day before. "I think seeing Patton will help." 

~*~ 

_ When both Remus and Roman were busy, Declan was often left alone. And with Patton gone too, this became a problem.  _

_ On those days he often just sat in his room, sometimes listening to music and sometimes just staring at the wall. And maybe his parents should have been concerned, but they never seemed to care, so he didn't care either. It never occurred to him that that might not be normal.  _

_ He wished Patton would come back. Patton certainly wasn't the best big brother (either that, or Declan wasn't the best little brother), but at least he was there for Declan. At least he was a part of his life.  _

~*~ 

They don't speak much for the rest of the journey, until they arrive in Patton's town around noon. Logan drops him off outside of Patton's house and parks a few houses away - Declan assumes this is to make sure that he is safe with Patton. 

He walks up to the door and braces himself for whatever is to come next.


	6. Patton

The door swings open and Declan loses all of his words. 

The person on the other side of the door looks exactly like his father. That soft brown hair, those piercing green eyes, those freckles dotted about his skin. That gaze behind those round, thin-rimmed glasses that always made Declan shudder, the gaze that Declan always did his best to avoid but now he has no choice but to meet it. 

And for a moment, Declan is afraid that everything is about to go wrong, all over again. Afraid that he's back where he started, with his so-called father, trapped in a never ending cycle of torment. 

But he looks again and it's not his father, is it? This person's face seems... softer, kinder. His eyes aren't piercing, they're gentle, warm, open. And this person is younger, innocent, not a wrinkle or a grey hair in sight. And Declan relaxes a little - not completely, but enough that he somewhat regains his speech. 

"Are you Patton Sanders?" he asks, quietly. 

The man stares at him, bewildered, but nods slowly. "That is me. Do I know you?" 

Just as Declan had suspected. He doesn't recognise him. Of course, he doesn't blame him - Declan has changed a lot since they were kids. He's grown, and lost things, and the scar must have something to do with it... 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have come," he says without thinking, beginning to turn back. This wasn't a good idea. What could Patton even do for him? He doesn't know Declan, not anymore. And- 

"Wait," Patton says, grabbing Declan's wrist. Declan tenses up upon the contact, but tries not to let it show. "If you need help, I can try-" 

"I'm Declan," he blurts out, before his brain gets him to stop. "Declan Sanders." 

And then Patton freezes as well. There's silence between them, the only sound being Patton's breathing. And Declan doesn't want to turn around, doesn't want to meet Patton's gaze again for fear that everything will fall apart, because now Patton knows and Declan doesn't know if that's good or bad yet. What does Patton even think of him? They haven't seen each other for years, and now Declan just shows up, uninvited, expecting Patton to understand, and... 

~*~ 

_ Declan snuggled up to Patton in his bed, closing his eyes. The shouting had stopped a while ago and things were calm. Even better now, since Patton was besides him, twisting Declan's hair between his fingers. And Patton was warm, so warm, and he was nice to him, and everything was going great.  _

_ Patton was... four years older, Declan thought. He was in double digits now, ten years old, and Declan must have been around six. Declan looked up to Patton, thinking he was some sort of superhero, amazed that he had already reached ten years. And Patton always smiled at Declan, always tried to keep him happy.  _

_ That night, Declan was happy, because Patton was besides him and everything was okay.  _

_ It's only natural that everything went downhill from there.  _

~*~ 

Patton has pulled Declan in for a hug, and Declan is standing there, his shoulders tense, not really sure what to do. His eyes are wide open in shock and Patton's arms are only getting tighter. 

"Declan," Patton whispers into his ear, "you're okay. Thank God you're okay." He seems to be talking more to himself than Declan. 

Declan doesn't know how to reply, but Patton soon draws away and looks at Declan, smiling. He motions for Declan to follow him inside, which Declan does, after shooting a quick thumbs up to Logan watching from his car. He follows Patton through the hallway into the living room, and sits down next to Patton, holding back tears. 

"I missed you," Patton says, gently taking Declan's hands. "I... I was worried. I felt terrible, knowing that I left you behind-" 

"It's okay," Declan interrupts. 

Patton sighs. "God, you probably don't even remember me-" 

"I do," Declan says. "Not much, but I do remember you." 

"I left you at such a young age, I..." He looks down. "I'm sorry. Really. I should have stayed, or at least took you with me.”

"No, really, it's fine," Declan says, although he's beginning to sound somewhat resentful. That doesn't make sense, he shouldn't hate his own brother, but... 

~*~ 

_ Patton was gone the next morning. Declan was sure that Patton was right there, next to him, when he had fallen asleep, but now he wasn't there.  _

_ He got up and out of bed to check Patton's room, but he wasn't there either. And then every other room upstairs (asides from his parents room, of course), and then every room downstairs, and even outside, but Patton wasn't anywhere.  _

_ His parents didn't seem to care about Patton's disappearance, but for several weeks Declan waited by the door, waiting for Patton to return, but he never did.  _

~*~ 

He can't hate Patton. He knows now what Patton did - he ran away, just like Declan had tried to do so many times. Patton had succeeded. 

"But you're okay, right?" Patton asks, moving closer to Declan. 

Declan gives him a weak smile. "As okay as I can be." 

"Which is?" 

"Not a lot, really." Declan sighs. "It's been tough. I... don't think I realised it, but I know now that things are great." 

Patton frowns. "Please tell me you don't still live with them." 

Declan blinks. "With who?" 

"Y'know..." 

Oh. He must mean their parents. 

"I don’t," Declan says. "I moved out a while ago. Haven't talked to them since." 

"Good." Patton smiles. "They don't deserve it. So where are you staying?" 

"I..." 

~*~ 

_ He had met her in university. They sat next to each other in class and soon became friends, as she never stopped talking to Declan. This was the first friend that Declan had away from his parents, a friend who he could talk to about anything he wanted, anything at all.  _

_ And he did. She was perhaps the only person he truly opened up to, the only person he told the full truth about this family too. The only person who knew just how much he hated his parents, how much they seemed to hate him.  _

_ She convinced him to cut off all communication with them. He moved out of his student accommodation and into an apartment she brought for the two of them, and for a while they lived happily together. She developed a certain interest in him, romantic feelings she said, and Declan went along with it, because she was the first person in a long time who seemed to really care about him.  _

_ And maybe Declan grew quite dependent on her. She helped him through so much stuff and he didn't want to let go. But things changed and soon enough everything was bad again.  _

_ They didn't get along great. She seemed to notice that Declan wasn't really reciprocating her feelings, and sometimes Declan would question whether her feelings were there at all. He was also beginning to question if he was even into girls, or anyone for that matter, and she seemed to be picking up on it.  _

_ After he finished university, he started spending a lot more time in their apartment, and then their house. She was starting to talk about marriage and Declan was mostly trying to avoid the conversation, for as long as possible. He didn't want to stay with her much longer, but she didn't seem to want to let him go.  _

_ But she wasn't like his parents, was she? She showed him kindness, something his parents rarely did. And she cared for him, didn't she? This was better than before. It must have been better than before.  _

~*~ 

He doesn't realise that he's telling Patton everything until it's too late. 

"But it wasn't, was it?" Patton says, to which Declan frowns. "I mean, it wasn't better than before?" 

Declan shrugs. "It was better, I think. But not great." 

Patton hums. "How come you didn't come to me sooner?" he wonders. "I could've helped. I... wanted to help." 

"I forgot," Declan says. "I forgot you even existed. And I had no way of contacting you anyway, even if I did think about it." 

Patton sighs. "That makes sense. I'm sorry, again." 

"You don't need to keep apologising." Noticing that Patton is still holding his hands, he takes them back, turning away a little. 

Patton smiles again. "Sor- Okay. What happened next?" 

~*~ 

_ Things started to get worse. Often, she wouldn't even let him leave the house, as if she was afraid he was going to run away. So Declan had no choice but to stay.  _

_ Sometimes this was alright. The house was nice, and Declan didn't mind spending the day cleaning and the like, and he always had his books. And everything seemed okay - sometimes he'd go out to see his friends, he'd even found his old friend Remus. But most of the time he stayed, and eventually he stopped leaving the house altogether.  _

_ She would shout a lot, more than Declan realized, and maybe he should have noticed that things weren't going great. More than a few times he considered leaving, running away in the middle of the night, and he supposed that was what he did in the end.  _

~*~ 

"You ran away?" Patton says, sounding almost concerned. 

"I... I think so." Declan rubs his head. "I don't know, it's all fuzzy. But I got away, at least." 

Patton nods. "I ran away too. It's okay." 

Declan looks at Patton for a moment. "What actually happened?" he asks. "When you left, I mean." 

"Oh." Patton fiddles with his fingers. "Well, I left in the middle of the night and ran as far as I could. I had some friends from school who let me stay at their place for a while, before I could get out of town. I just... travelled around for a while, I guess. Eventually settled down in a city with this nice family, went to uni, now I'm here." He smiles. "Things are good." 

Declan had always admired Patton, but this just makes him seem even greater. He had done what Declan had tried so hard to do, over and over again. He had escaped and made a new life, and everything was fine. When Declan had escaped, everything had just gone downhill. 

"What happened to your face?" Patton asks. 

Declan winced. "I..." 

Patton seems concerned at that. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

"No, it's okay." Declan breathes in. "You should know." 

~*~ 

_ This was before things had got really bad, but things were starting to go downhill. She had said something to him - he couldn't remember what, but he knew it hadn't liked it - and he had left, going for a walk to clear his mind.  _

_ But there had been an accident, hadn't there? He hadn't been thinking straight and he had been stupid. He had walked straight into danger and never looked back.  _

_ Everything was still fuzzy, but he remembered that there was a crash and a fire and suddenly everything went dark. He woke up a few days later, burn marks down one side of his face.  _

_ And she had just shouted at him more, calling him an idiot for going outside and getting himself into trouble, and he thought that she cared but he was really beginning to doubt that.  _

_ They didn't talk for a while. Declan was in so much pain, and the fire wouldn't leave his mind, but he had nobody to talk to, not even her.  _

_ The shouting only got worse after that, didn't it?  _

~*~ 

Patton has his arms wrapped around Declan again, and this time Declan is less surprised. He awkwardly hugs Patton back. patting him on the back. 

Neither of them say anything else on the subject, knowing that Declan wasn't ready to talk more. Instead, they continue the hug, moving so that only one arm each is around the others shoulder. For a while, they just look out the window, watching people walk by. And Declan is content. 

~*~ 

_ She had told him to leave, hadn't she? She had shouted and screamed and fought and forced him out, and he had left because fighting back would only make it worse.  _

_ He hadn't ran away at all. He had never had the courage to run away, and maybe he never would.  _

_ But he had left. And that's why he ended up on the curb in the pouring rain, and that's why he couldn't go back home.  _

~*~ 

"You can stay here," Patton says, "with me." 

Declan looks at him. "I... can?" 

"Of course." He smiles. "You're my brother. And you need a break from everything else. You deserve a good life." 

Tears were beginning to form in the corners of Declan's eyes, but he's confused because he isn't sad, is he? He's cried so much these past few days, but this feels... different. 

Happy tears. He's crying happy tears. 

"I would like that," he says. "I'd like that so much." 

And he does. He does like it. He's happy and he's safe and everything is okay. 

Patton hugs him again, and this time Declan refuses to let go. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The End of a Perfect Summer's Day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26705296) by [parallelmonsoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/parallelmonsoon/pseuds/parallelmonsoon)




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